After All
by Noki
Summary: (CCD) -->'Nokoru' truly means: 'to be left behind'...


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PROLOGUE: AN OVERVIEW  
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One tear.  
No, don't let it fall. I can't cry anymore. I can't…I can't…stop…  
Another tear, then like a stream they flow from my closed eyes and down my cheeks. I can't hold them back tonight. The pain has resurfaced and washes over my body, and I am thrown into torment once more.   
It hurts terribly. The hole in my heart aches and screams for comfort, but it will know nothing but emptiness and the fiery pain of sorrow.  
  
I start to shake. Hard. So much that I feel I am no longer in control of my body. I try to open my mouth to say something, but I sob. Over and over and over… I can't breathe… I can't see…  
  
You've left me…why…  
  
How could you leave me…?  
  
Four years meant nothing to you…four years of my devotion to you…my love for you…comforting you when you could cry on no one else…though you rarely cried…  
  
I…made you cry…  
  
A terrible memory…yes, I made you cry sometimes…with my joking about killing myself…you took it too seriously…  
I never meant anything about it and you knew it  
Was that…an excuse for you to leave me…?  
  
Your parents hated me.  
  
I told you that you shouldn't tell them about us…about our…furthered relationship…I said not to because it would be uncomfortable for me to be around them if they knew… but you didn't take my feelings into consideration when you told them behind my back…and then told me they knew after I had gotten to your home…  
  
You'd hurt me, too…  
  
You broke dates to go off with your parents…you forgot when we were supposed to go out on numerous occasions…I would get ready, and wait for you…but you never called…and them by the time you realized I was alone, waiting for you, you didn't seem to care…you did at first, but then…  
  
I wanted to run.   
  
But I stayed, because I was devoted to you, loved you, cared for you, trusted you…you were my world, and now that world has fallen apart.  
  
"I can't be the center of your world anymore…"  
  
I wanted to die…when I heard that uttered from your lips when you sat me down at your home and told me how terrible I was being…after those years of being together, I was expendable to you. You told me that if I messed up again, you would leave me. I felt as if you had put me on probation. And then you cut off our 'furthered' relationship…with no regards to my feelings…as if I had none…  
  
How could you even think of leaving me…?  
  
After all those years of talking about spending the rest of our lives happily together… You told me you loved me! ESPECIALLY after we'd spent the night together!!!  
  
You used me!!!  
For your own sick experimentations on being with another of the same sex, you used me! I thought me being with you meant something to you!! Meant something to US! It certainly meant something to me!  
  
I remember…  
  
The rose garden…  
  
You'd taken me to such a beautiful place. The sun was close to setting, the birds were flying overhead trying to get to their nests before it became dark. I walked into the rose garden and I wanted everything except you, me, and the roses to disappear. After we had walked around, I took you to the gazebo in the center of the garden. Do you remember what happened next?  
  
I kissed you…  
  
That was the first time that I was able to kiss you in public and not feel ashamed that others were watching. Because I didn't care what anybody else thought anymore. All I knew was that I was in love with you, and would always be, no matter what. That…was my last happy memory with you before you changed.  
  
I still love you.  
  
Even when you said you couldn't say you loved me anymore, my feelings didn't sway for a second. Though I tried to deny my feelings after you abandoned me, I knew I still loved you. I'm sorry you were able to stop loving me so quickly…  
  
I know I messed up. I know I left you at the restaurant when you were ignoring me. When you were focused on yourself, pretending I didn't exist, or whatever you were doing. Being around you hurt after we…broke up…you didn't say a word to me about the problems going on, and I wanted to get them resolved. But you cling to problems. You expand them; make them worse. You never let up!  
  
I've forgiven you…  
  
For all the pain and sorrow I've endured for you, I would go through again if it meant you would speak to me once more. I know it would be against your parent's will, but you are almost an adult…have you no say in your own life…?  
  
Someone…once gave me this letter:  
  
"I am yours, koibito, always and forever. With you, I am calm, happy, and at peace. You give me stability, hope, and love when I feel sad and alone.  
  
So much love that I can only long for a second, a minute, an hour, a lifetime with you,  
  
As it drips by in the water dock of tears held faithfully in eternity's grasp, falling like a redeeming rain to the grateful earth.  
  
And the first rain drops fall, like playful lover's kisses on tender lips, teasing and enticing into the gentle caress of the coming rain.  
  
And I will rejoice in this rain of forever.  
  
Cherishing the warmth of our bond.  
  
You make me protective of your light, your laughter is the sweet melody that lifts and balances my silence. You are the other half of my tamashi, dear one, and I am honored to earn your love.  
  
I love you forever.  
  
--Takamura Suoh"  
  
  
The sobs increase, and my shoulders shake as I bury my face into my hands. I want to scream through my frantic tears, but everyone else is asleep. I can't bother them with my problems. I've bore this pain by myself this far, though they suspect now that something is wrong. I can't eat, can't sleep. They're worried I've lost too much weight. But I don't need to care about myself anymore…I didn't care before, so this won't be any different…  
  
I live in a hell. He's plunged my world into his darkness and forgotten my memory.   
  
Do you know what it's like to be forgotten…?  
  
I…I think of you…everyday, Suoh…have you thought of me, even once…? Why didn't you call me back…after I tried calling you and you had been sleeping…you sounded like you'd forgotten my voice…I waited for you to call me back. Everyday I prayed that when the phone rang, it was you. But it's never you. You're too proud to acknowledge I was once your friend.  
  
That's all I wanted to be; your FRIEND!  
  
I...don't know what you look like anymore. We've been apart so long that my image of your golden eyes has dimmed, and the azure of your hair has all but faded. I destroyed all but one picture I had of you...and I can't bring myself to look at it.  
  
You made me so happy! When you walked into a room and I saw you, I felt my heart beat faster, and I would smile only for you! I needed to be near you! The bond we shared was incredible…we swore to one another that we would always be best friends…be together…no matter what…  
  
No matter what...  
  
I thought Takamuras were tied to their Ones for life...you once told me that if a Takamura loses their One, they would go crazy... That was just another lie, wasn't it?   
  
But 'Takamura' is merely a name. You are and have always been 'Suoh'to me.   
  
"A Takamura couldn't have chosen a better One..." you once wrote to me. Well then. I guess that was false as well. Apparently I'm the worst One -ex-One- in the world. You think I hurt you on purpose. You think that my joking around was serious. You used that to push me away. You blamed everything on me, and what a fool I was, I let you!  
  
I manage a tiny laugh through my tears, then I cough, and cough so hard I taste blood.  
  
All I did was joke about killing myself a couple times…you know I would never ever kill myself…  
  
The shaking increases, and I feel light-headed. I'm going to pass out again, I just know it…  
  
I promised you that I would never leave you. You promised me the same. Promises are made and broken, but if the love is strong enough, the friendship lasts throughout everything.  
  
If only you believed in that, too.  
  
I miss you, koi. Even if you would just talk to me online, I would be happier. I'm sorry you can't believe in love. I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as the Imonoyama family name seems to be. Everyone has their own faults, but if love is true, you can see past all that…I know I have…  
  
If I never hear from you again…I wish you well…I only wanted to be a part of your life…to make you as happy as you've made me…I've given all I can. I never regret the time I've spent with you. It was a time in my life when I was entirely happy. You're birthday is next month. Happy early 18th birthday…there's nothing I can give you now…but this story…  
  
Aishiteru zutto…Takamura Suoh…  
  
I guess it was just a 'clan-thing' to you after all...  
  
  
  
  
  
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This should be updated on a regular basis. 


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